A Better Place

There's no doubt that a  baby's first year is incredibly difficult for the parents, especially if they're first time parents. While I felt totally prepared and ready to have a baby and make the switch from being a young woman to "mom," I don't think there's ever really words to prepare you for the complete identity shift that occurs when you have a little one.

I'm still me in many ways, but other parts have had to fade away and new strands have emerged. And it's good. I like who I have become. I've always known I was meant to be a mama. I feel like I am really basking in the place God had prepared for me. It's taken Jonah's 13 1/2 months on this earth to finally feel like I've (kind of) arrived at this point.

Jonah's birth was traumatic. I think it took me almost two or three months to shake off the newborn delirium and finally realize just how traumatized I was by it. I started writing a few posts on it here on the blog but I never published them because I couldn't make the time to wax my true thoughts and feelings into written words, but also because it was hard to try and iterate something that is not culturally recognized and talked about.

I'm not sure that I'll try to go back and talk about it to the extent that I truly want to. I will say, though, that Jonah's birth- my process to become a mother- consumed pretty much my spare thought. The what-ifs. The I should'ves. The I wonder ifs. The if  onlys. Of course logically I know you're not supposed to do that, and you can't do that to yourself, no matter how much I fought it I couldn't escape. Will was my rock through those dark, dark months, but no matter how patient and understanding he is there comes a point that really no one else can truly understand. I kept waiting for my light at the end of the tunnel. I prayed it would come soon.

Finally, around the time Jonah was 9 months old I began to feel the vice grip of his birth lessen its hold on me, if ever so slightly. No longer consumed, however it was always still there, like a tide lapping at the edges of my mind. Life swirled on around me. People long ago stopped asking how I am, but rather, it was and is always about my child. This is not to say, of course, that people should not be interested in Jonah or ask about him or coo over him. However, hello, I'm still here too. This subject has been written about many times by other moms- the loss of personal identity because all anyone sees anymore is your cute little kids. This is something I've really been feeling a lot recently, though. At first it's fine because, yes, my kid is adorable and yes, I love talking about him. But then there comes a point when no one asks about you. No one truly wants to see you; they just want you to come to bring the baby so they can see him. No longer can you have conversations about anything you think or about things going on in your life, because either your conversation partner steers the conversation to the baby or is distracted by the adorable baby and you can't even finish your sentence.

So, anyway, coming out of that rabbit hole. Will and I had always planned for me to be a stay at home mom eventually. Probably after our second kid was born. But then I went back to work when Jonah was five months old and it was the worst seven months of my life. It's hard to go to college and get a degree for something only to realize not even three years later it was all for waste, because I was not born to be a teacher and take care of everyone else's kids. I was born to be a mom and raise and nurture my own children. Many moms can do both, and I salute those superwomen. But I could not do it. I wasn't doing a good job at anything- working or at home. Will and I discussed and prayed about our options. And then one day I was talking to a coworker who was pregnant with her second child. They use the same daycare we did, and I asked if she was planning to stay home or come back to work (I had assumed she would stay home because paying for two children in that daycare would be approximately 2/3 of our paycheck, and to me, it would totally not be worth it. Teaching is too stressful and hard to only bring home 1/3 of a paycheck). Now, this lady is so incredibly sweet and I respect her and in way judged her decision. She kind of laughed and said no, she wanted to finish decorating her house before she quit her job.

Something clicked for me when she said that. This is totally not about her and her personal decision, but when she said that I saw my own life in front of me. The only reason I was considering going back to work next year was because of the money. So we could pay of student loans. Put some more into savings. Set us up to not have to live quite so frugally. To make things easier. And yes, because there are still a lot of things we want to do to our home. Crystal clearly, I saw that I was choosing things and my house over my child. And I could not do it. That night Will and I decided I wasn't going back to work.

Then the race to the end of school was on and it felt like we would never make it. Of course, we did and suddenly, like a breath of fresh air, I had time. I had breathing space in my head that allows me to concentrate on things like my family and my home and cooking and laundry. All mundane things that are enough to make some women cry, but this is my place at this stage in my life. I am so happy. I am content.

I saw both of my midwives right after school was out and each of those visits was the most healing I've had in a year. Though neither of them said anything particularly profound, being in their presence again and talking about my feelings; finally having someone (other than Will) acknowledge what I went through. Acknowledge and affirm my feelings. Acknowledge how hard it was. Acknowledge that I had every right to feel like I do. THAT was like the proverbial balm on my scar I never realized I needed. I'm still working through a lot of my feelings, but I feel so much lighter and healed than I was three months ago.

Of course this is not to say everything is easy and a breeze now! Oh, no I don't think any mother could say that. Jonah still fights almost every single nap. I'm really struggling to get back to a healthy place with my post-partum body. The normal wear and tear of motherhood and raising a baby. Laundry piles up on my couch. My kitchen floors are proverbially sticky. I fight the cat and dog hair on my floors constantly. But the dark cloud that's been hanging over me is much less like an ominous storm cloud, and more like a wandering puffy cloud. It's there, but not so scary. I'm in a much better place now.

1 Year Old

Earlier this month, my tiny squish turned 1! I'll save all my feelings and reflections for another post; for now I wanted to share his party.

We went with a nautical theme. I figure he has the rest of his life for the theme to be what he wants, so the first party gets to be what Mom wants!

I made this "chalkboard" from a black foam core poster and metallic sharpies.

About twenty minutes before the party started our power went out. We quickly lit all the candles and it was fine. The heat started to get pretty oppressive but the power came back on just before things got too bad.

 We served hamburgers and chicken kabobs with sides; Jonah got some chicken and steamed carrots.

Jonah does this adorable bashful clapping when he gets excited and sense the attention is on him.

Jonah's "cake" was watermelon cut into a cake shape covered with coconut "icing." You take a can of full-fat coconut milk and stick it in the fridge over night. The cream will rise to the top, and you can use that to mix with vanilla and honey if you'd like to make a paleo icing. I didn't add anything to it, and he didn't seem to care much for the taste. He's never had anything like it though, so I wasn't expecting too much from him.

He liked the texture, though!

My mom and two of my brothers drove down for the party. It was so nice to see them!

Try to feed Poppa.

 Grammie and Gramma serving the cake.

Unfortunately the best family shot we got the whole day. Oh well.

Friends from our small group.

Without all the food.

It was a great day to celebrate our sweet baby's first year!

6 Weeks Old

Someday I'll have enough time to post about things other than Jonah, but for now he's pretty much consuming my life :) Also, no editing on these photos because, who cares? Here he is at six weeks:

Y'all. This is monumental. This is the first week we were able to put him in his swing and he actually stayed there, happily. Before this, someone pretty much had to be holding him 24/7. I can go to the restroom without him screaming! I can change out the laundry! I can fix and eat lunch! Game. Changer.

Photobombed by Scarlett. She's pretty interested in him and doesn't like it when he cries.

His arms are always going.

We've been working on tummy time to help us with our neck muscles (which are pretty great, btw), but he really doesn't care for it too much. He gets easily frustrated.

Cheers!

5 Weeks Old

 After a hard week last week, I decided we needed some sleep training for naps. A few people have told me that he should sleep better at night since Jonah's not taking proper naps, but all parents know that sleep begets sleep, and a baby who doesn't nap during the day likely won't sleep well at night. Since we're bed sharing at night, I started laying down with him for his naps during the day. Doing this, we were able to get about one good nap most days of the week. Luckily, this did seem to have a positive effect on our night sleeping.

I left Jonah for the first time this week also. Will came home from work a little early on Thursday since it was our anniversary (4 years!), and I needed to run to Target to get his mom a birthday gift. It was much easier to run to the store by myself rather than load the little guy up in the car and take him, so Will stayed home with him. I worried the whole time and rushed home, but when I got there this is what I saw.

On Saturday we went to the Museum of Natural Science for a late Father's Day celebration. This was Jonah's first big day full of outings, and he did a great job! Will wore him in the K'Tan at the museum. I fed him at both the museum and the restaurant without too much ado.

I took this picture one night of him sleeping. He loved being swaddled while in the NICU. We bought one of those swaddle blankets with velcro for him, but he does not like his arms inside of it. I usually compromise and leave them half-out, but he always works out of it in a few minutes. I loved his pose here, though. He almost always sleeps with his hands up by his face.

 We had an evening with slightly cooler weather, so we took advantage of it and went on a walk with Will's mom and her dog.

 I've been bitten by mosquitoes in our neighborhood in the past few weeks, so I went to Academy and bought a mosquito net for $10 and cut it up to fit around the stroller. Problem solved!

 Anniversary pictures

And Jonah's 5 Week Pictures:

He was looking at something

We've been working on weaning off the nipple shield the lactation consultant gave us, and he's definitely getting more milk without it. As a result (I think), he's also started spitting up quite a bit. He's never spit up much; in fact, he did in the NICU when they were forcing 90 mL of formula down him and he did once or twice right when he got home when we over-fed him, but this week was the first time since then.

You also had your first real bath this week since the last part of your cord fell off. The first bath went really well until we tried to wash your hair. The second bath wasn't such a hit. I hope you learn to like them!