Lately

Yes, we're still alive over here! I believe my last update was announcing we were becoming foster parents last fall. Well, I guess a lot has changed because we are now "experienced" (although I use that term lightly, ha!) foster parents. We had a baby last fall who went home the Monday before Christmas, received a new placement the first week in January, and got our third placement a few weeks ago. So yes, we currently have three kiddos at home and let me tell you: it is cray cray.

Just a trip to the grocery store.


It's funny how everything seems so hard when you're a first time parent. Granted, a lot of the hardness comes from having no experience with being a parent and having full responsibility for a new tiny human, but none the less, everything suddenly seems so hard. Then, you have two kids and that seems so much harder. Then, you have THREE kids and suddenly one or even two are looking like a piece of cake! We wouldn't change our situation for the world, but I will say adding a third little to our family has been a bit tough on me. Even small things like going to the grocery store have to be well-planned for because it's an ordeal to make sure we're packed with all. the. things. necessary for an infant and two toddlers, not to mention the fact we've got to work around two nap times, eating schedules, making sure I've had a shower in the past two days so I don't scare people, and then feeling up to tackling the three rear-facing car seats. It's kind of comical, actually. One of the toddlers is in the back row with the other two being in the middle captains' seats. You have to leave the baby outside the car while you climb over the base of her seat with one of the toddlers and get her strapped in, then climb out and put the baby in. Even as much work as it is, I have found getting out of the house essential to my sanity.

We call them our dynamic-duo. They love each other, they really do!

There's so much I could and probably should write about our experience as foster parents. How God is working in me and teaching me so much about what His love for me is like. What it feels like to really try to lay yourself down for the will of Christ in your life. How much I have to rely upon God's grace to get me through the days. But alas, my time to write in quite limited (due to nap times, of course!), and I've been feeling the nudge to sit down and record some thoughts and updates of our daily lives since everything is changing so quickly.

Let's do this bullet-style!

• Will's finishing up his last intense semester of grad school. It's been such a rocky journey getting to this point. Last semester was a bit insane since he had to take several tough classes he normally wouldn't have taken at the same time, but had to due to class schedules. This should be his last hard semester before the summer where he'll take one project-based class, and in the fall he'll be done except his dissertation, and graduate in December! Praise God for being so close to the end!
• In addition to growing our family from three to five in the course of 2.5 months, we've also decided to go ahead and put our house on the market and find a new place to live. We were actually in the process of refinancing our current house when we sat down to really think about our short and long-term future. We decided it would be better to list now, even with how crazy everything is, rather than in a few  years because we don't really have a time limit currently. There is no true need to get out of our current house; it's more that we want to move to a bigger place with more land. Actually any amount of land would be great because our current backyard is laughable. We've been taking our time with doing all the necessary repairs and touchups around the house while we've been looking at what's available. It's a bit disheartening since what we're looking for is a bit specific: something at least 2,5000 sq. ft., room enough for chickens, an older home we can put our stamp on, and character. We've lived in a nice subdivision with this house and while we like it and it certainly has it's benefits, we're ready to try something different. There is one house we like (well, I kind of LOVE), but even though it's a flip house and more or less move-in ready, it still needs some big ticket fixes like foundation, a roof, an new AC. We've been dragging our feet a bit, but we're trusting God's plan and we know if it's meant to be the house it will still be there when we're ready. There was one house we both really liked but it was located too far south in a school district we wouldn't care to put our kids in if/when homeschooling isn't what we're doing any more. 

• Jonah: this kid. He's my whole heart in one little fluffy, sweet, sweaty, adorable little boy. Since he was a baby he has been so sweet. He's affectionate. He loves to snuggle and give hugs. I never want to forget the way he wraps his little fingers around my neck and strums his fingers rhythmically on me. He's got a bit of his parents' OCD in him; when he knows something's supposed to be a certain way or go in a certain spot, he likes to put it that way. The other day he was at Chik-Fil-A with Will's parents and wouldn't leave until he put all the other kids' shoes in the cubbies. Jonah has such a kind heart, but he is definitely growing up and discovery his autonomy. He likes to run away when you ask him to come to you. He can be sneaky when he knows he's not supposed to have something (although he almost always gives himself away because he'll come running up to you with a cat-who-ate-the-canary grin to let you know he did something he wasn't supposed to). We're trying to do a lot of Montessori and RIE-inspired things with him, and so far I have been very pleased. It can be hard to go against what seems so mainstream and how you yourself were raised, but I know it will ultimately benefit him and us so much more in the long run. 

I took him to a play place earlier this week and he LOVED it!

He both loves slides and fears them. He's gotten brave enough to go down them by himself most of the time.

 Always taking off his socks (or other clothes!)

Super in to shoes right now. He'll find mine or Will's and try to walk around in them.

Too cute for his britches! He picked out his own shoes. Also, Mama needs to weed!

Part of his sweetness- sometimes when he wakes up and comes to find us he'll bring his stuffed animals with him.

This child could eat " 'nacks" all day long! This particular incident occurred when Will left the pantry door open while I was in the restroom. I heard a crash and came out to see that he had pulled his snack bin off the shelf to help himself to some apple chips.

And he loves to be a big kid and push.

His other most-favorite thing right now is climbing. I try to give him ample opportunity to safely climb, but we mostly have to keep all the chairs in the house against the wall so he doesn't climb on top of our tables. He climbed all the way to the top of our friend's play set many times earlier this week and was so proud of himself!

The other big news around here is that our newest placement, the baby, will hopefully be in our family forever. I'm not sure exactly how much information I can share here on the Internet while she's still in CPS custody, but I can say we are smitten and praying she will be our next forever child.

She's working on rolling over.

Tired. Blurry. Oh well.

Super Dad with all three kiddos

That's about all that's going on around here. We're tired. We feel like we're running on empty most days. But we're also so incredibly happy and blessed. Our hands are full and our hearts are even more full. Our village has surrounded us with support by bringing us meals a few times a week and paying for a house cleaner to come do a deep clean before we list our house. Hopefully I'll be back here sooner rather than later to keep the updates coming. 

A Better Place

There's no doubt that a  baby's first year is incredibly difficult for the parents, especially if they're first time parents. While I felt totally prepared and ready to have a baby and make the switch from being a young woman to "mom," I don't think there's ever really words to prepare you for the complete identity shift that occurs when you have a little one.

I'm still me in many ways, but other parts have had to fade away and new strands have emerged. And it's good. I like who I have become. I've always known I was meant to be a mama. I feel like I am really basking in the place God had prepared for me. It's taken Jonah's 13 1/2 months on this earth to finally feel like I've (kind of) arrived at this point.

Jonah's birth was traumatic. I think it took me almost two or three months to shake off the newborn delirium and finally realize just how traumatized I was by it. I started writing a few posts on it here on the blog but I never published them because I couldn't make the time to wax my true thoughts and feelings into written words, but also because it was hard to try and iterate something that is not culturally recognized and talked about.

I'm not sure that I'll try to go back and talk about it to the extent that I truly want to. I will say, though, that Jonah's birth- my process to become a mother- consumed pretty much my spare thought. The what-ifs. The I should'ves. The I wonder ifs. The if  onlys. Of course logically I know you're not supposed to do that, and you can't do that to yourself, no matter how much I fought it I couldn't escape. Will was my rock through those dark, dark months, but no matter how patient and understanding he is there comes a point that really no one else can truly understand. I kept waiting for my light at the end of the tunnel. I prayed it would come soon.

Finally, around the time Jonah was 9 months old I began to feel the vice grip of his birth lessen its hold on me, if ever so slightly. No longer consumed, however it was always still there, like a tide lapping at the edges of my mind. Life swirled on around me. People long ago stopped asking how I am, but rather, it was and is always about my child. This is not to say, of course, that people should not be interested in Jonah or ask about him or coo over him. However, hello, I'm still here too. This subject has been written about many times by other moms- the loss of personal identity because all anyone sees anymore is your cute little kids. This is something I've really been feeling a lot recently, though. At first it's fine because, yes, my kid is adorable and yes, I love talking about him. But then there comes a point when no one asks about you. No one truly wants to see you; they just want you to come to bring the baby so they can see him. No longer can you have conversations about anything you think or about things going on in your life, because either your conversation partner steers the conversation to the baby or is distracted by the adorable baby and you can't even finish your sentence.

So, anyway, coming out of that rabbit hole. Will and I had always planned for me to be a stay at home mom eventually. Probably after our second kid was born. But then I went back to work when Jonah was five months old and it was the worst seven months of my life. It's hard to go to college and get a degree for something only to realize not even three years later it was all for waste, because I was not born to be a teacher and take care of everyone else's kids. I was born to be a mom and raise and nurture my own children. Many moms can do both, and I salute those superwomen. But I could not do it. I wasn't doing a good job at anything- working or at home. Will and I discussed and prayed about our options. And then one day I was talking to a coworker who was pregnant with her second child. They use the same daycare we did, and I asked if she was planning to stay home or come back to work (I had assumed she would stay home because paying for two children in that daycare would be approximately 2/3 of our paycheck, and to me, it would totally not be worth it. Teaching is too stressful and hard to only bring home 1/3 of a paycheck). Now, this lady is so incredibly sweet and I respect her and in way judged her decision. She kind of laughed and said no, she wanted to finish decorating her house before she quit her job.

Something clicked for me when she said that. This is totally not about her and her personal decision, but when she said that I saw my own life in front of me. The only reason I was considering going back to work next year was because of the money. So we could pay of student loans. Put some more into savings. Set us up to not have to live quite so frugally. To make things easier. And yes, because there are still a lot of things we want to do to our home. Crystal clearly, I saw that I was choosing things and my house over my child. And I could not do it. That night Will and I decided I wasn't going back to work.

Then the race to the end of school was on and it felt like we would never make it. Of course, we did and suddenly, like a breath of fresh air, I had time. I had breathing space in my head that allows me to concentrate on things like my family and my home and cooking and laundry. All mundane things that are enough to make some women cry, but this is my place at this stage in my life. I am so happy. I am content.

I saw both of my midwives right after school was out and each of those visits was the most healing I've had in a year. Though neither of them said anything particularly profound, being in their presence again and talking about my feelings; finally having someone (other than Will) acknowledge what I went through. Acknowledge and affirm my feelings. Acknowledge how hard it was. Acknowledge that I had every right to feel like I do. THAT was like the proverbial balm on my scar I never realized I needed. I'm still working through a lot of my feelings, but I feel so much lighter and healed than I was three months ago.

Of course this is not to say everything is easy and a breeze now! Oh, no I don't think any mother could say that. Jonah still fights almost every single nap. I'm really struggling to get back to a healthy place with my post-partum body. The normal wear and tear of motherhood and raising a baby. Laundry piles up on my couch. My kitchen floors are proverbially sticky. I fight the cat and dog hair on my floors constantly. But the dark cloud that's been hanging over me is much less like an ominous storm cloud, and more like a wandering puffy cloud. It's there, but not so scary. I'm in a much better place now.

Snippets

I have a few posts in drafts right now; it seems every time I finally sit down to write I end up taking so long, and then I never finish the post. Maybe some day I'll go back and finish my thoughts. For now, though, here are some snippets.

We went on a cruise over spring break! We went with Will's family to Jamaica, Grand Cayman Islands, and Cozumel.

We were on Royal Caribbean's Navigator of the Seas.

We've been planning this vacation since before I was pregnant, and it was so worth the wait! Jonah did awesome.

Seriously, everyone who looked at him on the ship commented on how cute he is. (Not that I disagree.)

He wasn't too sure about the ocean, but he did love having all his favorite people dote on him 24/7.

Will's parents watched Jonah in the evenings after he went to bed so Will and I could go catch some shows. We were truly impressed with the quality of all the performances on board the ship. Overall, I would recommend a cruise for a family vacation, even with a super little one, especially if you have grandparents willing to go and help babysit.

Jonah is ten months old and started crawling about 3 1/2 weeks ago. He is extremely mobil. He will crawl everywhere and likes to walk while holding onto your hands. He pulls up onto things and lowers himself back down without any issues.

He continues to be one heck of a happy boy. He got sick again earlier this week with a fever one night. We went to the pediatrician the next day because we were worried about his ears, which have had fluid in them for over two months now, but the doctor said his ears look good and we don't have too much to worry about. None the less, we can't wait to get him out of daycare. He hasn't been 100% well since Thanksgiving.

I officially turned in my resignation letter to my principal on Monday. It was hard because as far as teaching goes, I know I have it as good as it's going to get (at least around here in the district I would want to teach in). I love my school and coworkers and kids, but nothing has ever felt so wrong as going back to work and leaving my little fella with other people to take care of him during the day. It will be definite change of lifestyle for us for me to not be working, but Will and I are ecstatic for the change.

Will's in tapering part of training for his second marathon. He's running the Oklahoma City marathon at the end of this month. Jonah and I are supposed to run the 5k; I suppose I should start running again if I actually want to be able to finish!

In other news, I've started my Trim Healthy Mama journey. I lost all of my pregnancy weight within two weeks of Jonah's birth, but like many new moms find, my body looks completely different. I was trying to loose weight when I got pregnant (and had recently lost almost twenty pounds), but I'm ready to break free from this body that I feel trapped in. When I first started I did really well and lost 11 lbs in four weeks, but then we went on the cruise and it's been extremely difficult to re-commit to staying 100% on plan. Maybe posting more about it here will help keep me on track.

Anyway, those are a few snippets of our lives right now. I hope to be back soon!

Garden and Beach

Today was a refreshing start to the new week ahead. Will really likes to get up early at least one day on the weekends to have some "solitary" time, which works out quite well for our marriage because I will always choose sleeping in just a little longer :)

This morning when I got up at 7, Will had coffee made, a coffee cake in the oven, the dishwasher running, and a load fresh out of the dryer. I know, he is pretty much awesome.

We spent some time outside on our back porch while breakfast finished cooking, just talking.  I treasure those moments when we are able to have quiet chats- usually they aren't of any particular importance, but there's something special when the day has just begun and chaos hasn't yet ensued.

After church, we stopped by Lowes to pick up some supplies for Will's grand plans for the afternoon.

When we bought our house, there was zero landscaping in the backyard. The only thing back there was a storage shed that we were made to rip out because "it wasn't up to code" per the HOA (they said it was too close to the fence, and it may have been. I just have an issue with it because you can drive around the neighborhood and count over 25 other houses with sheds within 10 feet of the fence.) Pretty much all work in the yard was put on hold to this year because, like all people, we had to budget our funds and we decided we'd rather prioritize the inside space where we spent most of our time. Will was really hoping to replace the fence this summer, but we've decided against it for now since the main reason he wanted a fence was for cosmetic reasons, not structural reasons. However, his compromise was that he wanted to plant some vines and other things that would help hide the fence.

Add landscaping? I can get on board with that!

We planted two Texas Lilac bushes along the left fence that we see as soon as we step out the back door. They should eventually grow to be pretty tall and wide.

My phone lens was apparently foggy for some of the pictures

And we planted a Creep Myrtle tree in the corner. For now we put down the landscaping fabric, cut it where we had dug holes. and covered it with new soil. I'm not sure that we'll plant any fillers since these are supposed to get pretty big. Eventually we will get pavers to line all of the beds that we've planted so far. 

Along the back fence, directly in front of the back door, I planted to grape vines. I'm pretty excited about these, and I'm hoping we'll be able to eat them next year. We were planning on getting regular lattice to screw into the fence but these were all Lowes had. 

This area under our window looked horrendous due to our dogs and a cousin dog spending several weeks on play-date  tearing up a few parts of our backyard. As a temporary fix Will put down a bunch of scrap wood and rocks so the dogs couldn't really get in the mud, but I absolutely hated it. I suppose it was better than having muddy dogs every time it rained, but our backyard looked like a junk yard. 

A week or so ago, Will got started planting some rose buses under our bedroom window. Only, it started POURING rain a few minutes into his project, so I let him take care of it himself. 

Now, not to belittle how hard Will works and tries to make me happy, but he kinda messed up a little. I mentioned in the store that the bushes needed to be planted about three feet apart from each other, but he planted them like a foot apart. Since I knew they were supposed to be that far apart we only bought two bushes, but since he planted them closer it was kind of lopsided and obvious that we needed a third bush to round things out. So we got a third bush today and I planted it.

You can see how it looked lopsided with only two bushes. Also, dogs are caught red-handed!

Three's much better

Now, you might have noticed that much bush look a little puny compared to the two that Will planted. For one, the one we bought today was on sale, so that could imply that maybe it was a little past its prime, the gardeners weren't taking such care with it, etc. But also, I learned that Will did not plant his bushes in the ground. No, he plopped the rose bush on top of the gardening fabric and poured a whole bunch of new dirt around it. I'm not sure what that is going to mean for the longevity of those bushes (will the roots be able to get very deep through the fabric? Is it too late for me to go back and replant them?), but we're both super amateurs at gardening so we'll probably just wait to see what happens. 

And finally, I bought these other really pretty flowering vine-things (a very technical name, I know) that needed full sun. Originally I had thought we'd plant them along the back fence next to the grapes, but that would push them into the day-long shade of the tree. The right side of the fence pretty much has full sun, so that was our only other option. 

For the past six months or so we've had these lovely remnants of our out-of-code storage shed leaning up against the fence:

So we halled them out of the yard to the side of the house where they'll be easy to put on the curb on heavy-trash day and then we planted the small vines:

The don't look very impressive yet, but I'm hoping they'll grow quickly and add some drama to the fence. I'm not sure what else we're going to do to this side of the yard; it's kind of awkward because it's right next to the back gate and we have an electrical box just to the left of this picture, and we can't really plant/do anything close to that. So I guess it will just have to stick out like a sore thumb? 

Up close: 

Befores and Afters:

So around 1 p.m. we had accomplished all this and it was time to head to Galveston to meet up with Will's family for beach time and dinner at my sister-in-law's. Will and I went to the beach for a short period of time a few weeks ago, but it ended up being cloudy and a little chilly. This was our first time to go to the beach for a few hours and really feel like summer has arrived. 

I may or may not have gotten a little sunburned. And that may or may not be a bit of an understatement : / 

After the beach we headed back to Megan and Brent's house, where she made a new pasta dish and a fabulous strawberry dump cake. Megan and my mother-in-law are both trying so hard to try new dishes that are vegetarian friendly and it means SO MUCH to Will and me. I know it can seem daunting or overwhelming to cook for people who eat differently from you, so seeing them make such an effort reminds me how much they love me. It would easy for them to fix a meal they would normally eat and expect us to eat the sides, but they both go above and beyond, finding new recipes and experimenting. They are pretty much the best. 

And finally, we made it home in time to watch a few episode of Season Four of The Vampire Diaries. Not gonna lie, I like that vampire series a lot more than the Twilight movies. 

Our evening ended with a classic twist: a dog (not sure who) had a visit from the Tinkle Fairy ON OUR BED. This has never happened before, so I'm not sure what's up. But I do know I am not looking forward to squeezing onto a half of the bed with Will tonight while the other side dries from the cleaning stuff. Oh, and let's hope my mother-in-law's washer is big enough for our king-sized comforter and mattress protector.

Ah, this is the good life.