Lately

Yes, we're still alive over here! I believe my last update was announcing we were becoming foster parents last fall. Well, I guess a lot has changed because we are now "experienced" (although I use that term lightly, ha!) foster parents. We had a baby last fall who went home the Monday before Christmas, received a new placement the first week in January, and got our third placement a few weeks ago. So yes, we currently have three kiddos at home and let me tell you: it is cray cray.

Just a trip to the grocery store.


It's funny how everything seems so hard when you're a first time parent. Granted, a lot of the hardness comes from having no experience with being a parent and having full responsibility for a new tiny human, but none the less, everything suddenly seems so hard. Then, you have two kids and that seems so much harder. Then, you have THREE kids and suddenly one or even two are looking like a piece of cake! We wouldn't change our situation for the world, but I will say adding a third little to our family has been a bit tough on me. Even small things like going to the grocery store have to be well-planned for because it's an ordeal to make sure we're packed with all. the. things. necessary for an infant and two toddlers, not to mention the fact we've got to work around two nap times, eating schedules, making sure I've had a shower in the past two days so I don't scare people, and then feeling up to tackling the three rear-facing car seats. It's kind of comical, actually. One of the toddlers is in the back row with the other two being in the middle captains' seats. You have to leave the baby outside the car while you climb over the base of her seat with one of the toddlers and get her strapped in, then climb out and put the baby in. Even as much work as it is, I have found getting out of the house essential to my sanity.

We call them our dynamic-duo. They love each other, they really do!

There's so much I could and probably should write about our experience as foster parents. How God is working in me and teaching me so much about what His love for me is like. What it feels like to really try to lay yourself down for the will of Christ in your life. How much I have to rely upon God's grace to get me through the days. But alas, my time to write in quite limited (due to nap times, of course!), and I've been feeling the nudge to sit down and record some thoughts and updates of our daily lives since everything is changing so quickly.

Let's do this bullet-style!

• Will's finishing up his last intense semester of grad school. It's been such a rocky journey getting to this point. Last semester was a bit insane since he had to take several tough classes he normally wouldn't have taken at the same time, but had to due to class schedules. This should be his last hard semester before the summer where he'll take one project-based class, and in the fall he'll be done except his dissertation, and graduate in December! Praise God for being so close to the end!
• In addition to growing our family from three to five in the course of 2.5 months, we've also decided to go ahead and put our house on the market and find a new place to live. We were actually in the process of refinancing our current house when we sat down to really think about our short and long-term future. We decided it would be better to list now, even with how crazy everything is, rather than in a few  years because we don't really have a time limit currently. There is no true need to get out of our current house; it's more that we want to move to a bigger place with more land. Actually any amount of land would be great because our current backyard is laughable. We've been taking our time with doing all the necessary repairs and touchups around the house while we've been looking at what's available. It's a bit disheartening since what we're looking for is a bit specific: something at least 2,5000 sq. ft., room enough for chickens, an older home we can put our stamp on, and character. We've lived in a nice subdivision with this house and while we like it and it certainly has it's benefits, we're ready to try something different. There is one house we like (well, I kind of LOVE), but even though it's a flip house and more or less move-in ready, it still needs some big ticket fixes like foundation, a roof, an new AC. We've been dragging our feet a bit, but we're trusting God's plan and we know if it's meant to be the house it will still be there when we're ready. There was one house we both really liked but it was located too far south in a school district we wouldn't care to put our kids in if/when homeschooling isn't what we're doing any more. 

• Jonah: this kid. He's my whole heart in one little fluffy, sweet, sweaty, adorable little boy. Since he was a baby he has been so sweet. He's affectionate. He loves to snuggle and give hugs. I never want to forget the way he wraps his little fingers around my neck and strums his fingers rhythmically on me. He's got a bit of his parents' OCD in him; when he knows something's supposed to be a certain way or go in a certain spot, he likes to put it that way. The other day he was at Chik-Fil-A with Will's parents and wouldn't leave until he put all the other kids' shoes in the cubbies. Jonah has such a kind heart, but he is definitely growing up and discovery his autonomy. He likes to run away when you ask him to come to you. He can be sneaky when he knows he's not supposed to have something (although he almost always gives himself away because he'll come running up to you with a cat-who-ate-the-canary grin to let you know he did something he wasn't supposed to). We're trying to do a lot of Montessori and RIE-inspired things with him, and so far I have been very pleased. It can be hard to go against what seems so mainstream and how you yourself were raised, but I know it will ultimately benefit him and us so much more in the long run. 

I took him to a play place earlier this week and he LOVED it!

He both loves slides and fears them. He's gotten brave enough to go down them by himself most of the time.

 Always taking off his socks (or other clothes!)

Super in to shoes right now. He'll find mine or Will's and try to walk around in them.

Too cute for his britches! He picked out his own shoes. Also, Mama needs to weed!

Part of his sweetness- sometimes when he wakes up and comes to find us he'll bring his stuffed animals with him.

This child could eat " 'nacks" all day long! This particular incident occurred when Will left the pantry door open while I was in the restroom. I heard a crash and came out to see that he had pulled his snack bin off the shelf to help himself to some apple chips.

And he loves to be a big kid and push.

His other most-favorite thing right now is climbing. I try to give him ample opportunity to safely climb, but we mostly have to keep all the chairs in the house against the wall so he doesn't climb on top of our tables. He climbed all the way to the top of our friend's play set many times earlier this week and was so proud of himself!

The other big news around here is that our newest placement, the baby, will hopefully be in our family forever. I'm not sure exactly how much information I can share here on the Internet while she's still in CPS custody, but I can say we are smitten and praying she will be our next forever child.

She's working on rolling over.

Tired. Blurry. Oh well.

Super Dad with all three kiddos

That's about all that's going on around here. We're tired. We feel like we're running on empty most days. But we're also so incredibly happy and blessed. Our hands are full and our hearts are even more full. Our village has surrounded us with support by bringing us meals a few times a week and paying for a house cleaner to come do a deep clean before we list our house. Hopefully I'll be back here sooner rather than later to keep the updates coming. 

A Better Place

There's no doubt that a  baby's first year is incredibly difficult for the parents, especially if they're first time parents. While I felt totally prepared and ready to have a baby and make the switch from being a young woman to "mom," I don't think there's ever really words to prepare you for the complete identity shift that occurs when you have a little one.

I'm still me in many ways, but other parts have had to fade away and new strands have emerged. And it's good. I like who I have become. I've always known I was meant to be a mama. I feel like I am really basking in the place God had prepared for me. It's taken Jonah's 13 1/2 months on this earth to finally feel like I've (kind of) arrived at this point.

Jonah's birth was traumatic. I think it took me almost two or three months to shake off the newborn delirium and finally realize just how traumatized I was by it. I started writing a few posts on it here on the blog but I never published them because I couldn't make the time to wax my true thoughts and feelings into written words, but also because it was hard to try and iterate something that is not culturally recognized and talked about.

I'm not sure that I'll try to go back and talk about it to the extent that I truly want to. I will say, though, that Jonah's birth- my process to become a mother- consumed pretty much my spare thought. The what-ifs. The I should'ves. The I wonder ifs. The if  onlys. Of course logically I know you're not supposed to do that, and you can't do that to yourself, no matter how much I fought it I couldn't escape. Will was my rock through those dark, dark months, but no matter how patient and understanding he is there comes a point that really no one else can truly understand. I kept waiting for my light at the end of the tunnel. I prayed it would come soon.

Finally, around the time Jonah was 9 months old I began to feel the vice grip of his birth lessen its hold on me, if ever so slightly. No longer consumed, however it was always still there, like a tide lapping at the edges of my mind. Life swirled on around me. People long ago stopped asking how I am, but rather, it was and is always about my child. This is not to say, of course, that people should not be interested in Jonah or ask about him or coo over him. However, hello, I'm still here too. This subject has been written about many times by other moms- the loss of personal identity because all anyone sees anymore is your cute little kids. This is something I've really been feeling a lot recently, though. At first it's fine because, yes, my kid is adorable and yes, I love talking about him. But then there comes a point when no one asks about you. No one truly wants to see you; they just want you to come to bring the baby so they can see him. No longer can you have conversations about anything you think or about things going on in your life, because either your conversation partner steers the conversation to the baby or is distracted by the adorable baby and you can't even finish your sentence.

So, anyway, coming out of that rabbit hole. Will and I had always planned for me to be a stay at home mom eventually. Probably after our second kid was born. But then I went back to work when Jonah was five months old and it was the worst seven months of my life. It's hard to go to college and get a degree for something only to realize not even three years later it was all for waste, because I was not born to be a teacher and take care of everyone else's kids. I was born to be a mom and raise and nurture my own children. Many moms can do both, and I salute those superwomen. But I could not do it. I wasn't doing a good job at anything- working or at home. Will and I discussed and prayed about our options. And then one day I was talking to a coworker who was pregnant with her second child. They use the same daycare we did, and I asked if she was planning to stay home or come back to work (I had assumed she would stay home because paying for two children in that daycare would be approximately 2/3 of our paycheck, and to me, it would totally not be worth it. Teaching is too stressful and hard to only bring home 1/3 of a paycheck). Now, this lady is so incredibly sweet and I respect her and in way judged her decision. She kind of laughed and said no, she wanted to finish decorating her house before she quit her job.

Something clicked for me when she said that. This is totally not about her and her personal decision, but when she said that I saw my own life in front of me. The only reason I was considering going back to work next year was because of the money. So we could pay of student loans. Put some more into savings. Set us up to not have to live quite so frugally. To make things easier. And yes, because there are still a lot of things we want to do to our home. Crystal clearly, I saw that I was choosing things and my house over my child. And I could not do it. That night Will and I decided I wasn't going back to work.

Then the race to the end of school was on and it felt like we would never make it. Of course, we did and suddenly, like a breath of fresh air, I had time. I had breathing space in my head that allows me to concentrate on things like my family and my home and cooking and laundry. All mundane things that are enough to make some women cry, but this is my place at this stage in my life. I am so happy. I am content.

I saw both of my midwives right after school was out and each of those visits was the most healing I've had in a year. Though neither of them said anything particularly profound, being in their presence again and talking about my feelings; finally having someone (other than Will) acknowledge what I went through. Acknowledge and affirm my feelings. Acknowledge how hard it was. Acknowledge that I had every right to feel like I do. THAT was like the proverbial balm on my scar I never realized I needed. I'm still working through a lot of my feelings, but I feel so much lighter and healed than I was three months ago.

Of course this is not to say everything is easy and a breeze now! Oh, no I don't think any mother could say that. Jonah still fights almost every single nap. I'm really struggling to get back to a healthy place with my post-partum body. The normal wear and tear of motherhood and raising a baby. Laundry piles up on my couch. My kitchen floors are proverbially sticky. I fight the cat and dog hair on my floors constantly. But the dark cloud that's been hanging over me is much less like an ominous storm cloud, and more like a wandering puffy cloud. It's there, but not so scary. I'm in a much better place now.